


You Earned It

by sherific



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Depression, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Series, Sweet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-07-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 15:58:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 9,516
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4311414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sherific/pseuds/sherific
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I thought I was happy. Rin helped me pack my things, smiling while he did it.<br/>“I’ll get you a soda when we’re done,” he said, grinning with a few bills in his hand.<br/>We sat beneath the yellow sun, and I popped open the soda and thought vaguely of nothing. Rin stared at the ground that crawled with ants, seeming distantly content. He jingled change in his hand, flicked a coin into the air, laughed when it hit my head. I laughed too, I think, but I too was far away, and it seemed surreal and intangible. He was off the next day, for some training in Australia. He had offered to bring me along, but something had caught in my throat when I answered, and I said no. I was happy where I was, I was certain. I thought that I was.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There is some swimmer lingo in here, so just to clarify: when "low" or "high" is mentioned, it refers to the milliseconds in a time. Because a second is a really long time in swimming, the second is usually broken into "low" and "high," low meaning that the time was early in the second (usually somewhere in .01-.40) and respectively, high means that it was late in the second (.60-.99). 
> 
> Feel free to leave comments and such! I really appreciate it!

I thought I was happy. Rin helped me pack my things, smiling while he did it.

“I’ll get you a soda when we’re done,” he said, grinning with a few bills in his hand.

We sat beneath the yellow sun, and I popped open the soda and thought vaguely of nothing. Rin stared at the ground that crawled with ants, seeming distantly content. He jingled change in his hand, flicked a coin into the air, laughed when it hit my head. I laughed too, I think, but I too was far away, and it seemed surreal and intangible. He was off the next day, for some training in Australia. He had offered to bring me along, but something had caught in my throat when I answered, and I said no. I was happy where I was, I was certain. I thought that I was.

The days he was gone were long and dazed with jogs, sports drinks, and sweat. There were fewer clothes to wash, one less bed to make, but it was quiet without his snicker, and lifeless without his sharp grin. I Skyped him now and then, and I smiled for him, told him what I was up to.

“Running?” he asked, pulling a towel from his head. “In that heat?”

“Yeah.”

He laughed, tossing his head back. “You be careful, Sousuke.”

“Yeah.”

He fist bumped the camera, I chuckled, and the screen went black, and my smile faded, melting off slowly. The room was empty as it had been before, and I tapped at the keys of the computer blankly. I didn’t particularly enjoy running, especially without him, but it passed the time, and every so often I would see a familiar face: the cranky woman at the convenience store, the perpetually stressed businessman, even a couple of Rin’s friends, Tachibana and Nanase.

“Where’s Rin?” Tachibana asked politely, smiling in an endearing manner. Nanase stood quietly beside him, regarding me with little interest. “You two are roommates now, aren’t you?

“Yeah.” I took a swig of the blue Gatorade. “He’s training in Australia.”

“You didn’t go with him?” He seemed surprised.

I shook my head. “Someone had to watch the place,” I said somewhat weakly. He didn’t seem convinced, but he didn’t say anything about it.

“Well,” He beamed once again. “I didn’t mean to interrupt you on your run! Have a good day, Yamazaki!”

“Yeah.”

I would pass by pools sometimes, where children splashed and squealed with glee. Something inside me ached, and I would never stay long. I was happy with my decision, I would tell myself. Rin said it was a fair one. The sun was too harsh in my eyes in that spot anyways, and I moved on. Afterwards, I came home and ate, the dishes clattering in the silent kitchen, the television buzzing forlornly in the living room. The rest of the day was always lonely. Stretching while watching dramas at three, unpacking our things at four, my mouth never opening for words. I had expected our first place to fill me with a burst of excitement every time I opened the door, but doing the household work was dull, and the eagerness faded quickly. I wondered how Rin felt about it, but then again, Rin, having been gone for two weeks and having three more to go, hadn’t had the same time with it that I had. I cut open a cardboard box roughly, dust flying into my face. Something inside glittered, and upon opening it fully, I found Rin’s old swimming trophies and medals. I swallowed and closed it immediately, shoving it back into the corner. I felt weak when I felt the pang in my chest that burned like a hot iron. I tried my best to forget about it, and I decided to unpack a different box. I lifted it from the stack, and pain shot through my shoulder. I dropped the box, the insides rattling loudly, and grasped my shoulder. I iced it later, flipping through channels, waiting for Rin to answer the Skype call.

“What happened?” His voice buzzed from the speakers. His hair was still wet, and his skin was dried out from the chlorine.

“What are you talking about?”

“Your shoulder,” he said seriously.

“Nothing.” He gave me a look, and I added, “I was lifting some of the boxes today.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Don’t overdo yourself.”

“I’m not.” I turned the attention away from myself. “How’s Australia?”

“It’s great!” He rattled off about his training regimen, how great it was to see his old host family, about some friends he had made. “Wish you had come, Sousuke.” There was a tinge of longing there.

“It’s okay. I’m fine here.”

“Hey, can you call me tomorrow? I gotta go.”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome! See you, Sousuke!” The screen went black, and the only sound in the room was that of a news reporter who was tired of the world.

I didn’t run the next day. I woke up without life, and I stared at the white ceiling. My room was still empty, unlike Rin’s. For some reason, I was more intent upon unpacking his things first before mine. I told myself it was because I wanted him to come home to something nice, and that was true, however, part of me was scared to open my own boxes: the pictures of me at the pool, the scent of chlorine that had dyed every one of both of our possessions. Part of me feared that I would be burned the way Rin’s trophies had burned me that day, and so I avoided all the boxes Rin had scrawled my name onto in his sloppy handwriting. The ceiling was oddly soothing to watch, and I tucked my hands behind my head on the pillow and studied the little bumps for what seemed like hours. I finally dragged myself out of bed and made myself something to eat, and watched dramas without stretching and didn’t touch a single one of our boxes. I called Rin, and we chatted briefly, the same as usual, and that was it. It was just one day, I told myself as I tucked myself into bed. Just one.

I dreamed of blue. Of the sting of chlorine in the eye, the rush of blood to cheeks after a tough race. I dreamed of people screaming “Go!” and the long whistle before stepping up to the block. When I woke up, I felt uneasy, and I excused myself from a run, and tried to ignore the dull throb in my shoulder.

I finally went for a run, four days later. I had forgotten myself, I had convinced myself, and now it was time to shake it off and get back into it. The cranky convenience store woman said hello and asked me where I had been, and I politely broke into a brief explanation of how the apartment was a mess and I was unpacking my own things as well as a roommate’s. She huffed and I went on my way. The day was undeniably the hottest it had been in a while, and I chugged my Gatorade, leaning on a chain-link fence. Behind it, I heard the undeniable slosh of water, caught the fragrance of splashes in the air. I glanced in, at the small pool, sweat rolling down my forehead. Just a dip, I told myself, because it’s too hot outside.

The water felt nice, at first, cool and refreshing. I dipped my head in and gasped in relief. It had been awhile since I had last been in a pool, I realized. There was something comforting about the familiarity of it, the feel of the water, the way my fingers rested on the gutter. After a few minutes, I drifted over to the wall to lift myself out, pushing down on the wall with my hands. My shoulder screamed in pain, and I fell back in, flailing in front of a couple punk kids who laughed at me. My cheeks felt hot as I climbed out the ladder, and I hurried away. Instead of finishing my run, I went straight home and slammed the door to my room. Rin called. Called again. I stared at the laptop blankly and shut it. I had told him I was happy, and he didn’t need to know otherwise. Besides, I was happy, wasn’t I? I had accepted my decision.

I didn’t run the whole rest of the time Rin was gone. I found it hard to even go outside. I stretched, watched drama, unpacked, did laundry, and slept. The apartment was spotless, and Rin would be pleased when I brought him home from the airport. He seemed happy last time we talked, and I, smiling as well, told him everything was great. We met at the airport, went out for dinner, and he showed me hundreds of photos.

“The pool was amazing, Sousuke!” he exclaimed excitedly. “Look at these facilities. You wouldn’t believe them! And the swimmers there were amazing! Man, Sousuke,” He shook his head, eyes twinkling. “It was incredible.”

He collapsed onto the bed the minute he got home, burying his face in the sheets. I found him asleep soon afterwards, and I pulled the covers over him, closing the door quietly behind me after switching out the lights. A glint of light sparked in the corner. I had left the box there, for him to touch and not me.

He shook me awake early, before the sun was up. “Sousuke, let’s go for a run!”

I groaned. “I don’t feel like it.”

He folded his arms across his chest. “Eh? You’ve been running every day, and when I get home, all of a sudden you don’t want to? C’mon, Sousuke, it’s been forever.”

“Tomorrow,” I promised, pulling the covers over my head.

“Fine.” Disappointment.

The door clicked shut and I slept until he got back.

When I heard his key in the lock, I started to cook. He took a shower and slipped quietly back into the kitchen, leaning on the counter, grinning dangerously.

“The convenience store lady told me she hadn’t seen you in a while,” he said. “Been slacking?”

“I went a different route.” I cracked an egg into the pan.

“If you say so. Hey, I’ve got to go to the pool for a couple hours after this, but afterwards I wanted to go out for dinner with Haru and Makoto.”

“Go ahead, then.” I kept my eyes on the frying egg.

“I mean that I want you to come,” he said more slowly, almost shyly, as if he had been thinking about it for some time.

I slid the egg atop a bowl of rice, topping it with some vegetables and handing it to him. I could tell his mouth was watering. “Okay,” I said. “Do I have to dress up?”

“Nah. They’re just friends, Sousuke.”

“Alright.”

“By the way,” his eyes flickered between me and his food, “thanks for unpacking my stuff. My room looks great.”

“It was my pleasure.”

He gulped down the food and set the empty bowl in the sink. “Well, I’m gonna head over to the pool. You sure you don’t wanna come? I’d like to have some company, you know.”

“I might drop by later.”

“Sweet. See you!”

He tossed his bag over his shoulder and strode out, closing the door a little too harshly. I washed the bowl emptily, letting the water run for too long, just holding it beneath the stream. I didn’t want to see Rin’s friends, but it was the least I could do for him upon his return. Switching on the TV, I debated over visiting him at the pool. I’m sure that he was eager to show me how much better he’d gotten, but a large part of me didn’t want to even look at the water. It was hard, this game of pretend I was playing. Rin, perceptive as he was, would notice sooner or later. I dreaded his tears, his screaming, the way he beared his teeth and grasped my jacket like at regionals. We would both be going to university soon, and I didn’t want to rattle him in that way. I drew in a deep breath, and pulled on my sneakers to go see him. It would be hard, but I never regretted gritting my teeth for Rin.

When I arrived, he was practicing his butterfly, back and forth across the pool, panting and glancing at the clock, faster and faster, every time.

“Sousuke!” he called from the wall, waving.

I sat on the bleachers. “Hey,” I said.

“Time me, time me!” He gestured at a stopwatch lying on the deck.

“Yeah.” I got up slowly, walking over to pluck the watch from the floor. The air was heavy with chlorine, and Rin playfully flicked water at me. I cracked a smile, for his sake, but the water stung like the trophies, and my shoulder ached. “What are you swimming?” I asked.

“Hundred fly. I’m gonna go under fifty-four, just watch!”

“When are you leaving?”

“On the top. Set me off?”

“Yeah.” I held the watch up. “Take your mark, go!”

He pushed forcefully off the wall, gliding swiftly underwater before surfacing with lithe arms. Time seemed to slow for him, the seconds ticking by at a snail’s pace as he flew past the lane lines, further and further away, then closer and closer. He finished strong, water splashing at my feet. He gasped for air, and I clicked on the watch.

“Fifty-three point nine seven,” I read, impressed.

“Yes!” he cried victoriously, slapping the water. “Told you, Sousuke! How did it look?”

“Your stroke is strong. You’ve been working pretty hard, haven’t you?”

He pulled the goggles from his head. “Yeah,” he panted.

He said something else to me, but my vision blurred, unfocused, as I stared blankly at the water. My mouth fell open a little bit, and I closed my eyes and turned away. I remembered my dream, how awful it had been. Something grabbed onto my injured shoulder, and it seared with pain. I whipped around, slapping the hand away. Rin’s eyes widened with shock.

“Sousuke?” he whispered, water dripping from the loose hairs peeking out from beneath his cap.

“Sorry,” I apologized guiltily. “You scared me.”

He grin, snickering. “Aw, Sousuke, you’re such a wuss sometimes.” He slapped my back and hopped back into the pool.

I went over to the bleachers, putting on some headphones to drown out my thoughts. Despite my efforts, I was thrown back to my second year of high school, where most of my time was spent sitting out of practice, tending to my shoulder, watching other people improve rapidly as my body and my spirit fell apart. I put my head in my hands, propping it up on my knees. How much longer would Rin be? Two more hours, at least. I began to feel sick to my stomach. I turned up my music, kept my head down, pushed the heels of my palms into my eyes until everything was black. I breathed heavily through my mouth to avoid the scent of the chlorine. After some time in the vapid void of my thoughts, I felt my headphones being yanked off, and I found Rin standing over me.

“Yo, Sousuke, what’s up? You sick or something?” He drew a towel from his bag and ruffled his hair.

“A little.”

“Explains why you didn’t run. Listen, You don’t have to come out to dinner tonight if you aren’t feeling up to it.” He pulled an old Samezuka t-shirt over his head.

“No, it’s alright. I’ll be fine,” I assured him.

He gave me a skeptical look, pulling on his Adidas pants. “Alright. Let’s go.”

We walked home slowly. He shoved his hands into his pockets, as if he were keeping them from fidgeting. He glanced at me from time to time, opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but then closing it again upon second thought. He threw open his closet when we got home.

“Damn, Sousuke, you even organized my clothes for me!”

“Of course.”

“Thanks, man. I appreciate it.” He tugged a shirt and jeans from the hangers. “You know, that’s what I missed in Australia. My room was always a complete disaster.” He chuckled lightly. “It’s good to be home,” he sighed thoughtfully.

“I’m glad to have you back.”

His eyes fell on the box shoved into the corner. “What’s in there?”

I swallowed. “Your old trophies.”

His face lit up. “Oh, man!” He hurried over, ripping the box open, holding up glimmering trophies from throughout the years. Summer tournaments, local competitions, even a national one from when he was really young. I averted my gaze as he reminisced fondly.

“Look, Sousuke, it’s us!” He held up a crumpled photograph of us when we were elementary school children, grinning by the pool with cheeks chubby and red with youth/

I began to feel dizzy, thinking back to those days. I could see even in the picture that my wide young eyes were full of dreams of international competition, stepping up on the Olympic blocks, top seed in my events, people in the lanes next to me shivering with fear.

“I’m going to take a shower,” I mumbled and hurried out of the room.

“Sousuke!” he called after me, but I had already locked the door.

I stood under the water for a long time, feeling it hit my back and stream down. Rin banged on the door a couple times, asking if I was alright.

“Sousuke! It’s been half an hour! We have to hurry!”

I finally shut off the water, toweled off, and threw on some fresh clothes, throwing the door open.

“What took you so long, man?” Rin whined.

“Nothing,” I snapped. “Let’s go.”

We walked silently. My strides were long and swift, and I avoided his gaze. I could tell something was brewing in him, the steam was rising from his back. I was ready for his biting words when we got home.

The restaurant was a small and pleasant ramen house, lit with warm lights and bumbling smiles. Tachibana and Nanase were already there.

“Rin!”

They embraced, smiling and laughing, while I stood slightly aloof, exchanging the polite pleasantries that were expected of me. When we sat down, Tachibana was eager to hear of Rin’s excursion.

“So, how was Australia?”

“It was great!” Rin launched into the same speech he had given me. He showed them pictures on his phone, and they leaned over in curiosity.

“Sounds like you had a good time!” Tachibana nudged Nanase, who had been quiet the whole time. “Haru’s been training pretty hard, too, haven’t you, Haru?”

He bobbed his head, but said nothing.

“Hey, Haru,” Rin said excitedly, “We should train together some day, before school starts.”

Nanase nodded again. “I’m available on most days.”

Rin laughed happily and checked his schedule. I skimmed over the menu quietly, avoiding conversation.

“Makoto, are you still teaching kids?” Rin asked.

“Yeah! I’ve got a good gig over at the kid’s club.”

“How is it?”

He smiled warmly. “It’s great! It’s amazing to see how quickly they improve. There’s this one girl whose dream is to win the gold medal in the one hundred meter backstroke.”

Rin grinned. “Bet you could get her there, Makoto.”

He laughed modestly. “I can certainly give her a good start.”

Soon, the table filled with steaming bowls of ramen. Rin ate ravenously, while Tachibana laughed and Nanase watched. I picked at the food, not feeling particularly hungry.

“And what about you, Sousuke?” Tachibana asked pleasantly. “You’re going to university, aren’t you? Rin’s school?”

“Ah, yeah,” I said tersely.

“What will you be studying?”

“Sports medicine, most likely.” The second part was the more emphasized one.

“Suits you! Say, I haven’t seen you jogging in a while,” he said guilelessly.

Rin shot me a look. “I go a different route,” I told him.

“Oh.” Something in his eyes told me he knew better than to ask any further. “So, you two are roommates, right? How’s the apartment?”

“It’s great!” Rin jumped in. “Sousuke is pretty organized, and he cooks well, too.”

Tachibana laughed. “Maybe he can teach Haru to cook something other than mackerel,” he joked fondly, ruffling Nanase’s hair. Nanase’s cheeks colored a bit and he looked down.

Rin laughed. “I bet he could, right, Sousuke?” He elbowed me.

“Ah, yeah…”

The conversation whirled around, with Tachibana and Rin doing most of the talking. Occasionally Nanase would say a word or two, but for the first time, I was more taciturn than he was. Rin threw shady glances at me every so often, and I was certain he would explode at me when we got home, if not right there at the restaurant. We said our pleasant goodbyes when the bowls were empty, and the walk home was tense.

Rin slammed the door shut, and pulled me over to the kitchen. “What’s the matter with you, Sousuke?” he demanded angrily.

I shook my head. “It’s nothing.”

“Nothing my ass.” He slammed me against the refrigerator. “I’m sick of you lying to me.”

“I told you, I felt a bit sick.”

“Then you should have just stayed home,” he spat. “You don’t have to force yourself through things for my sake. Think you’re making me feel better? Ch. I’d rather you must be honest for once, Sousuke. I don’t need your goddamn pity or sympathy or whatever it is! I’m not a goddamn child!” he screamed.

They were biting words, sharper than his teeth.

“I’m sorry,” I said weakly.

He pushed me against the refrigerator again, grasping my collar tightly before letting me go. His hair fell in his eyes, and I could barely make out a whimper. Rin was a crier when he got worked up. I never saw him as weak for it. Instead, I considered it a mark of his passion, and I was scared of it, because it spoke to the raw intensity of his emotion, emotion that could lash out and hurt if not kept under control.

“Good night, Sousuke,” he hissed, releasing me and storming to his room, slamming the door loudly. Even from the kitchen, I could hear the click of the lock.

He left early the next morning, and came home late. By the time he came back, his dinner had gotten cold on the counter, and I was watching TV. I didn’t say a word to him, and instead waited for him to speak.

“This for me?” he asked coldly, holding up the bowl of food.

“Yeah.”

He placed it in the microwave, and said nothing else. He ate at the table by himself.

“What did you do today?” he asked finally.

“I jogged,” I lied.

“Yeah? How far?”

“Three kilometers.”

“Hm.” He stuck some rice into his mouth. “That little?”

“I’m still recovering.”

“Hm,” he said again.

“And you?”

“I was at the pool.”

“Of course.”

Our conversation ended like that, and I flipped through the channels briefly while he washed his bowl and retreated into his room. Later, as I was about to go to bed, he appeared in my doorway.

“Listen, Sousuke, I’m sorry for yelling at you yesterday.”

“It’s fine.”

“Do you feel better today?”

“Yeah.”

He fidgeted, as if he wanted to say something else. “You going for a run with me tomorrow?”

“Sure.” I didn’t hesitate, even though I should have.

“Okay,” he said. “Good night, Sousuke.”

“Night, Rin.”

He lingered in the door for bit, then left, closing the door slowly behind him. I didn’t hear him shut his. It was unusual for him, to leave it open like that.

We were up bright and early the next morning, putting on shorts and tying shoes.

“I’ll keep it easy today, since you still aren’t feeling too well,” he said.

I hadn’t been out for a jog for almost a month, and it showed. I lagged behind him, and he kept having to stop to wait for me. The air was suffocatingly humid, even early, and I had to take breaks to catch my breath.

“Man, Sousuke, you really are sick,” he said, knitting his brows together.

“I’m fine,” I panted.

He looked at me dubiously and we kept running. I could hardly breathe by the time we got home, and I supported myself in the door frame before entering and collapsing on the couch.

“Maybe we should see a doctor,” Rin said.

“No, no,” I waved my hand. “It’s okay. I’m just getting back into it.”

“If you say so. How long have you felt sick?”

“A few weeks.”

“Weeks?!” he exclaimed. “I thought it was just a couple days. We should really see a doctor, then.”

“No, it’s fine, I swear.”

“What’s wrong?” he went on, ignoring me. “What hurts? Do you have the flu?” He came over to me, holding a hand to my head. I slapped it away.

“Rin, leave me alone!” I snapped harshly.

He took a step back. “What the hell, Sousuke?! I just wanted to help.”

“There’s nothing you can do! Just leave me the hell alone!”

His look of surprise faded into one of anger. “If that’s what you want, fine! I’m going out!”

He threw on his shoes and stormed out. I stayed on the couch, biting my lip. The last time I had lashed out at Rin like that was when we were younger than ten. I immediately felt sick to my stomach with guilt, as if I could hear his wails from across town, from the center lane in the pool where he liked to practice. I could see him dipping his head in the water to wash away the tears, slapping the surface furiously and hanging onto the wall as if it could comfort him.

He came home really late, maybe around one in the morning. I was still on the couch, my eyes aching from watching the flashing television.

“Still up?” he said.

I nodded.

“You should get rest,” he said sternly. “You’re sick, aren’t you?” He was mocking me, a little.

“I know what’s good for me,” I returned.

He snorted. “Really? You thought intense training was good for you, and look what happened.”

His words were like a whip. I had never heard this kind of talk from Rin. I stood up. “Take that back,” I whispered hoarsely.

“What’s that?”

“I said, take that back,” I enunciated every syllable.

“I won’t,” he said stubbornly. “You never listen to me, you idiot. You overdo yourself all the time.” His voice cracked. “Sousuke, what’s the matter with you?”

I shook my head and went to my bedroom. I could hear him sobbing in the living room. Again, I felt guilty, but what could I do about it?

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

The tension cooled after that week. I returned to jogging with him, and told him that I felt much better. In some respects, that was true. His presence soothed my aching a little, and soon he was back to snickers and grins, jokes and buying me sodas. I beat him on races down the street, to his own dismay, and I went to his swim practices and timed him when he wanted me to. Again, I was convinced that I was happy.

“My practices with the university team start next week,” Rin told me happily.

“Nervous?” I asked.

“Nah,” he said. “It’ll be good, I’ve worked hard for this spot.”

I escorted him there the first day, met the team captain, introducing myself to the coach.

“Sousuke Yamazaki, is it?” the coach asked. “Where are you swimming.”

I froze, and Rin jumped in for me. “He’s on to better things,” he said. “Studying sports medicine now.”

The coach regarded me slowly. “That so? Well, it’s a shame you aren’t swimming anymore. But good luck on your studies.”

I nodded, and Rin and I continued down the hallway.

“Sorry ‘bout that,” Rin said guiltily.

“Don’t worry about it.” I stopped at the door to the locker room. “Good luck today.”

He laughed. “Won’t need it.”

I smiled and we bumped fists. “In you go, then.”

“See you, Sousuke!”

For the three weeks preceding the start of school, the days followed pretty much that same routine. We woke up early for a run, returned home from breakfast, and then I dropped him off at the pool. Sometimes I would stay and watch him and the team swim, but most times, I would just go to the gym afterwards, and then stretch at home in front of the TV. I had my books for school already stacked on the desk in my room, and I did the same for Rin while he was at practice. Sometimes for dinner, Gou would come over and cook us something, sneaking protein powder into most things, which made Rin turn green when he ate it.

“It’s for your muscles!” she would insist, but most times, he would just push it away and cook something else.

Then, sometimes, we would drop by Samezuka. Momo and Ai would always be glad to see us, and we met some of the first years as well. The team was faring well, it seemed, and more victories lay ahead. Rin took a dip in the pool, raced some of the fastest, and won, of course, while I stood on the sidelines and ran the clock. We walked by the path we used to run down on cool nights, beneath the cover of trees and lit dimly by streetlamps.

“Seems like worlds away,” Rin said distantly, running his hands along the bark.

“Yeah.”

“Those were good days, weren’t they, Sousuke?” He looked up at me, eyes struck with sunlight.

“Yeah, they were.” I thought back to the bunks, where he snored loudly and denied it in the morning. I remembered him climbing up to my bed once to give me some cookies that Ryugazaki had made for him, the tiny bed too big for us both. I recalled the dark pool water at night, our secret races, nights spent lying on the deck on our towels, laughing in the echoing sports complex, laughing so hard that my abs hurt the next day.

“Man, this really brings me back,” he said as he came across the vending machine. “Want a soda?”

“No, thanks.”

He jingled some change in his hand. “Man, I want one. Too much sugar, though.”

“I don’t think it’ll kill you just once.”

He contemplated. “I’m not going to risk it,” he said.

We wandered the rest of the campus, saying hello to old teachers and classmates. We stood on the ground and looked up at our old dorm where new lamps and books filled the window, and I could catch the sound of laughter on the wind. Again, Rin opened his mouth to say something. His brow furrowed, as if it were important, and he paused to think, rehearsing something in his head.

“Sousuke,” he said slowly.

“Hm?”

He shook his head vigorously. “Nevermind.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes,” he said quickly, almost nervously.

“Okay.”

Rin had to go to a team meeting afterwards, so we agreed to meet at home. I rode the train alone, and I ran into Gou.

“Sousuke!” she cried happily, embracing me.

“Hey, Gou.”

“Where’s my brother?”

“He went to a team meeting. How are you?”

“Good, good, and you?”

We chatted for a little bit, about how the Iwatobi swim club was faring, and about what other people we knew were up to. Then, she sprang something onto me very suddenly.

“Sousuke, you know Rin really cares about you.”

“Hm? Yeah, I know that. We’ve been friends for a while.”

She shook her head. “That’s not what I meant.”

“What did you mean?”

The train halted. “Well, this is my stop!” She hopped up. “See you later, Sousuke!” She skipped off the train, and I went home in confusion.

I didn’t mention anything to Rin. He spoke to me about his team meeting, about how excited he was to work with them. It made me smile, to see him fired up. It was when he lit up that you knew that he was going places. It was the same face he had before races, snapping on his goggles and clapping his hands on the block. I loved watching him race, for that reason.

“Our first meet is in a month. You’ll be there, won’t you?” he said, shoving his food into his mouth.

“Of course I’ll be there.”

“I’ll bet you Haru will be competing too.”

“Really?”

“I’m going to beat him. My free is down to a forty-eight low.”

I whistled. “It’ll be a tough race.”

“You bet your ass it will be.” He took the dishes to the sink and began washing them. “Excited for school to start?”

“Mildly, yes.” I didn’t really know if I was or wasn’t. I just did what seemed best, because I couldn’t swim.

“Thanks for getting my stuff together.” He placed the dishes on the rack carefully.

“Yeah, any time.”

“You really take good care of this place.”

“I have nothing else to do.” I meant it in an easygoing way, to make him feel less guilty about it, but it came out with a note of sorrow and longing, of tedium and sadness.

“You miss it, don’t you?” I hated it sometimes, how he noticed these things about me.

“A little,” I admitted.

He put the dishes down, wiped his hands.  “I’m really sorry, Sousuke.” It was an honest statement, laden with guilt.

“Nothing you can do,” I said lightly.

He shrugged a little, and hung the towel. I went over to the couch and switched on the TV to watch drama, and he squeezed in next to me.

“Is this what you do all day?” he asked judgmentally.

“It’s good while I’m stretching,” I answered.

He raised an eyebrow but said nothing. We watched until he fell asleep, mouth hanging open, snoring loudly over the TV. His head fell on my good shoulder, and I caught the scent of chlorine on his hair. He started awake, and his face flushed when he realized his position.

“S-sorry, Sousuke!” he stuttered nervously.

I chuckled. “Don’t worry about it. You should go to bed, though.”

He scratched his head, flustered. “Yeah. Thanks, man.” He stumbled over to his bedroom, yawning. “Night, Sousuke.”

“Night, Rin.”

 

 


	3. Chapter 3

When school started, the trees bloomed. Rin wanted to go early, to look at the blossoms on campus. It made him nostalgic, he said, the pink color of them. Orientation was as expected, and the first day of classes began the next day. I was glad to have something to occupy my time again, so I wasn’t just stretching in front of TV dramas. Rin’s practices were early in the morning and late in the evening, and he often didn’t come home until ten or eleven, and he would barely have enough energy to eat, let alone keep up with his school work. It was as if he wasn’t even there, I saw him so little. Whenever we did have time together, of course, he would talk to me about swimming. He would sometimes tell me about new friends, about how much the coach liked to yell, things like that. I didn’t mind it, actually, but it reminded me of how much I wasn’t experiencing with him, about how much he lived a separate life. But I would forget that when he asked me about my schoolwork, for help on his literature homework, and snickered the way he did. A lot of times, I would jog alone while he was at practice, take in the morning air for myself. For so long, things were good, and I forgot that I had ever felt heavy in the morning, that I had ever had foul dreams about the pool. But then came Rin’s first meet, and the pretend life fell apart. 


	4. Chapter 4

I got up earlier than Rin to cook him breakfast. He hopped out of bed and strolled out confidently to the kitchen, grinning giddily.

“Today’s the day, Sousuke! I’ll show everyone how fast I’ve gotten!” He plopped into a chair, and I served him his meal.

“What events are you swimming?”

“100 and 200 meter fly, as well as the 100 meter free.”

“I thought so.” I yawned and stretched. “Will Nanase be racing you?”

“Makoto said so. That’s the only reason I requested the free.”

“Well, I’m sure that it will go well.”

He finished his breakfast. “I didn’t train this hard for nothing.” He got up. “I’m going to get dressed, and then we’ll go.”

I cleaned up the dishes while I waited for him. Though I wasn’t swimming, for some reason I had nerves and felt jittery, and my hands trembled slightly in my pockets. We took a bus there, so that Rin wouldn’t tire out. I walked him to the deck.

“Hey, show them something they’ve never seen before,” I said, smiling and holding up a fist.

He put on a stern, focused look, bumping my fist. “Yeah.”

“Good luck, Rin.”

“Thanks, Sousuke.”

I climbed up the bleachers and picked a spot where I could easily watch the whole pool.

“Hey, Sousuke!” It was Tachibana, waving.

“Hey,” I said back.

“You’re here early.”

“I wanted to go with him.”

“Yeah, I went with Haru, too.” He nodded his head at the pool, where I saw Nanase rubbing the fog from his goggles.

“He’s swimming the 100 m free, isn’t he?”

Tachibana nodded. “And the 50 and the 200.”

“I thought so.” I glanced back at the pool. “Rin is swimming the 100 free along with the 200 and 100 fly.”

“Sounds like him.” He took a seat. “Does Rin like his new team?”

“Very much so. He talks about it all the time, at least.”

“That’s good. I’m glad Haru decided to keep up swimming. At the rate he’s improving, it wouldn’t be surprising if he got the cuts to go to an international competition.” He laughed lightly.

“Yeah.”

“It would be incredible, wouldn’t it, if Haru and Rin got to swim together on that level?”

I swallowed. Haru and Rin, not Sousuke and Rin. “Yeah,” I uttered.

“Relays are tomorrow, aren’t they?”

“Yeah.”

“Rin must be looking forward to that.”

“He takes his meets one day at a time.”

Tachibana nodded. “Oh, yeah, I remember that.”

I watched Rin step out of the pool and take a swig of Gatorade, observing the swimmers in the warm up pool for any possible competition. “His fly is really good now,” I said.

“That so?”

I nodded. “He promised me he would get better at it for my sake since…” I trailed off, not able to finish the sentence.

Tachibana beamed warmly. “Rin’s really good to you, isn’t he?”

His soft tone of voice vaguely reminded me of Gou’s on the train. “Yeah,” I said.

Rin’s first event, the 100m butterfly, was towards the middle of the meet. He spent a lot of time sitting and waiting anxiously, watching the other races and playing with his towel. Finally, he went to the warm up pool to prepare for the race, and he snapped his goggle strap with determination.

“What time is he going for?” Tachibana asked.

“A fifty-one low.”

He whistled. “That’s fast.”

“Of course it is.”

The whistle tooted three times as they called his heat, and he shook out his arms and took a deep breath. My own breathing slowed nervously, and leaned forward to see better. He stepped up onto the block, clapped his hands loudly, and took his mark. The buzzer set him off, and he flew into the pool aggressively. The sheer power of his stroke was enough to scare anyone off, and as he pulled quickly into the lead, everyone sat at the edge of their seats in awe. He touched the wall first, and his head whipped toward the scoreboard. Fifty seconds, forty-nine milliseconds. He slapped the water and screamed with triumph, pulling off his cap and goggles. My heart skipped a beat. With that time, he could easily be recruited for the national team, go to world championships and win medals. At his age, he would almost be a prodigy. Numb, I stood up and descended down the bleachers to greet him.

“Rin!” I called, but he didn’t hear. His coach took him by the shoulder and guided him over to a slick, wealthy looking man. Rin laughed kindheartedly, eyes alight, and greeted the man, bowing politely. They chatted for a bit, and walked him over to the warm up pool. I waited there alone with my hand still up. I didn’t have it in me to call out his name again, because he was just too far away.

I stood by the poolside to watch his 100m free, next to Tachibana, who had come to support Nanase. They were the top two seeds in the event, and the crowd buzzed with debate over who would win. Freestyle was Nanase’s speciality, but Rin had the aggressiveness and competitiveness. As the whistles went off for their heat, the crowd went tensely silent in anticipation. The snap of Rin’s goggle strap echoed across the sports complex, and they stepped onto the blocks. When they were set off, the crowd erupted into cheers. Rin’s team was the loudest, waving their hands urgently. Tachibana shouted for Nanase, leaning over the railing and cupping his hands around his mouth. I folded my arms across my chest silently observing. No matter how much I cheered or didn’t cheer, Rin would swim well, and I knew it. Rin made it here without me, and as much as it pained me to think that, he didn’t need me in his swimming life. The thought made my stomach twist in knots, and my head began to pound. I thought of how far away he seemed, talking to that rich man after his race, probably a sponsor, how he would most likely be heading to national championships some time soon, cameras flashing at him and microphones held in front of his face. He would mention how his competition with Nanase spurred him on, how he was thrilled to race on the international stage, a childhood dream of his, in memory of his father. I couldn’t even reach him, in the craze of the coaches and swimmers and reporters. If he won a medal, I wouldn’t even be able to get close enough to him to touch it. There would be no mention of Sousuke Yamazaki, no mention of his medal-winning butterfly. There would only be Rin Matsuoka, Haruka Nanase, and the world, and I would be lost, sinking to the bottom like a weight in the water. Eventually, everyone would forget that I had ever swam at all, that the water was ever a part of me, that I was Rin’s rival, his equal.

“Sousuke!” Tachibana shook me urgently.

“Hm?”

“Rin won. He beat Haru by a tenth of a second.”

I glanced up at the scoreboard, where “47.58” glared intimidatingly in red numbers, beside it, “Matsuoka, Rin.” Rin was laughing, cackling, hugging Nanase across the lane line. People all around us clapped and whistled, and coaches murmured amongst themselves. Rin climbed out of the pool, grasping Nanase one last time, before hurrying over.

“Sousuke!”

My vision blurred, like water smears ink. I couldn’t hear anything, really.

“Sousuke!”

My shoulder hurt, it hurt terribly. I put a hand on it, cringed, face contorting in pain. I wanted to tear at it, claw at it and scream. I could have been good, I wanted to shriek, I could have been out there in the pool. Now the very smell of chlorine makes me want to vomit and curl into a ball like a child. I turned and I ran. Rin was yelling at me, something like that. The world spun around me in a spray of colors and smells; I felt like I was being eaten alive. I ran further and further away. And to think that I was convinced I was happy.

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

Rin found me in the dark of my bedroom, my curtains yanked shut, the clock ticking in the corner. I lay on top of my covers, too broken to even climb inside.

“Sousuke?” The door creaked open, and the light switch clicked.

I buried my face in the pillow, shielding myself.

“What happened, Sousuke? Are you sick again?” The mattress jolted a little as he sat on the edge of the bed. He reeked of the pool, and water dripped onto my toes.

I didn’t answer him.

“Sousuke.” Dangerous voice, threatening.

“I felt queasy,” I said.

“Do you need medicine?”

“No. You go to bed, focus on your races tomorrow.”

There was a brief pause, and I listened to the buzzing of the ceiling light. “I thought you’d like to know that I made the cuts for nationals at the end of the season. I’ve got some sponsors who are interested in me, too. I might be a part of the national team.”

“I know,” I said sharply, bitterly.

He stood up. “I’ll let you rest. You don’t have to come tomorrow, if you don’t want to,” he said cruelly.

He switched out the light, and I plunged into my own guilt.

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

Fortunately, Rin’s relays weren’t until the afternoon, so I slept in while he warmed up, and I trudged into the sports complex around noon. Tachibana was there again, schoolwork tucked beneath his arm.

“Sousuke, are you feeling any better?” His eyebrows knit together in concern. “You ran out yesterday.”

“I was feeling queasy, but I’m better now,” I answered flatly.

“Oh, that’s good. Rin was worried about you.”

“Mmm.”

I hadn’t eaten before I left, and I was glad that I hadn’t, because the sight of the water agitated my stomach, and I sat there most of the time with my hand over my mouth. I never quite caught Rin’s gaze, and every time he appeared to be turning his head my way, he would turn it right around, lips turned into a nasty snarl. He avoided me the whole meet, and when his relay won, he celebrated and jumped around with them and never said a word to me. I waited for him outside the locker room when the meet was over, and by the time he came out, everyone had left, and I was waiting in an eerily empty hallway.

“Hey,” he said coolly.

“You did well today,” I said.

“Thanks.”

“You want to go out for dinner?”

“I’m going out with the team.”

“When will you be home?”

He shrugged vaguely.

“Congratulations, then,” I said weakly.

He kept his gaze straight ahead, not at me. “Feeling better?”

“A little.”

“Go home, then. We’ll talk later.” Someone called his name from a distance, the single syllable echoing across the hall. “Coming!” he answered. “I have to go. See you, Sousuke.” He padded down the linoleum floor, back facing me. It was a familiar sight, him getting further and further away until he was just a little magenta dot in the scope of my vision.

He came home earlier than I had expected. His face showed wear, and his breath smelled vaguely of spicy ramen. I was stretched out on the couch, my schoolwork spilled in front of me.

“Yo.”

“Yo.”

He threw his bag down and pulled off his jacket, revealing his toned shoulders that peeked out beneath his loose tank top. “Eat yet?”

“Yeah. How was your dinner?”

“We were all pretty tired.”

“Did you see Nanase anywhere today?”

“I spoke to him at the end of the meet. He’s headed to nationals, too, in the 50, 100, and 200 free.”

“I didn’t expect anything less.”

He yawned and lay down on the floor, tucking his hands behind his head. “Me neither.”

“You beat him, though.”

A hint of grin. “Yeah.”

“You might be teammates, one day.”

“Yeah.” He seemed light, happy, his head in a different place. “You coming with me? To nationals?”

I swallowed, looked down.

He sat up abruptly. “You are, aren’t you?” The edgy voice, sharp as a shark’s teeth.

“When is it?” I asked.

“Three months.”

“Where?”

“Tokyo.”

“Mmmm.”

His face fell. “Sousuke.”

“I’ll think about it,” I said slowly.

“What’s been the matter with you, Sousuke?”

“Nothing’s been the matter.”

“Tell me, Sousuke,” he demanded.

“I told you I was sick.”

“This has nothing to do with being sick.” He raised his voice. “What’s bothering you? You’re jealous of me, aren’t you?!”

“I am not!” I snapped. “You always make stupid assumptions.”

“It’s not a stupid assumptions. I know you, Sousuke.” He got onto his feet, towering over me.

“I’m done with swimming. I told you. Why would I be jealous?”

“It was your dream, once.” He said it with a certain tenderness, like the soft light of memories. It sounded like walking to school together, like watching the train go by into a certain unknown.

I bit my lip, stood up to look him the eye. “Yeah,” I said coldly. “Once.” I shoved him aside, and he fell onto the table, scattering the papers all over the floor.

“Hey, Sousuke!” He shot back up and grabbed the back of my shirt, yanking me backwards, nails digging into my skin. I shook him off roughly.

“Let me go,” I growled, not looking at him.

“What have I done to you, Sousuke?”

“You haven’t done a thing.”

I stepped out into the cool night, the lights outside flickering. I slammed the door, and I heard glass shatter against it from inside.

 

 


	7. Chapter 7

We didn’t talk for a while after that. School became busy, and I absorbed myself as much as I could in my work while Rin trained harder and harder for nationals. Every so often, I would catch him in the middle of the night, while I was studying and he was thinking about his stroke. We would exchange quiet, loaded glances, and that was it. The air in the apartment seemed hard to breathe, dense and suffocating. I didn’t go to any more of Rin’s meets, and he didn’t want me to. I only asked him about them briefly, and he would tell me his times and go to bed. They were getting better, all of them, but I didn’t say anything. I spent most of my time at school or in my bedroom, and pretended I didn’t hear him come in. Nationals had snuck up on the both of us, and next thing I knew, I was helping him pack, a mess of “where’s this” and “where’s that.” While digging through in the motionless apartment, I found a box of things packed tightly, the tape barely holding it shut. I reached for it, even though I knew that I shouldn't. I grabbed a pair of scissors, tearing the tape open neatly. The box burst open, and the first thing in it was a picture, crumpled but shiny. Me and Rin, age ten, smiling in front of the blocks, holding up plastic medals. I studied it for a long time, his duffle bag lying open and forgotten. I picked it up, felt the old creases in between my fingertips. Beneath it, some old medals, trophies, jackets and swim suits. A lump formed in my throat, and my eyes felt heavy. Forgotten things were often sad things, I was always told.

A figure appeared in the doorway. "Sousuke?"

I looked up. "Rin..."

“Did you find-” His eyes fell on the half emptied box, the trophies lying around me like debris. “Oh.”

I hung my head, embarrassed. “No,” I said quietly. “I’m still looking.”

He glanced at the picture. “Can I see?” He took it carefully from my fingers, running it over with his eyes. “Can I take this with me?”

“Do whatever you want.” I started packing the trophies back into the box, each one stinging at the touch, it seemed.

He tucked it into his duffle bag. “Thanks.” He zipped it up slowly. “Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

“You’ll be better off without me.”

His eyes settled on the box again. “I can’t believe you,” he said.

“What?”

“That you would leave me to this. You said we would be on the stage together!” He clenched his fists. Everything that he had bottled up for the past three months seemed to be spilling out like the contents of the box.

“That was before my shoulder,” I said harshly. “You know that.”

“But look at you! You won’t even come with me, to fulfill your dream. I’ve done everything I can for you, worked my ass off because you couldn’t, got the cuts in the butterfly because you couldn’t, I made it to nationals, accepted a deal to join the national team because you-”

I stopped him. “You what?”

“I said I got a spot on the national team! I’m going to world championships in the fall,” he told me hotly. “I was going to tell you, but you were too busy moping around!”

I gaped, stunned. “I…”

“I’ve got the cut for the 100m fly, fastest in the country. I’m finally there, Sousuke, but why aren’t you?! Why won’t you support me?!” He grabbed my shirt throwing me against the wall, angry tears filling his eyes. “I think about you all the time, when I swim. I wish Sousuke were there, I wish Sousuke were there. I hate all the relays I swim without you. It’s not right, dammit, I know it isn’t!” He buried his face into my injured shoulder, crying heavily, hiccups racking his body. “But please… I’m so close to achieving your dream, Sousuke, so just be there for me.”

My eyes filled, water blurring my vision. I would never swim a 100m fly ever again. I would never earn a medal ever again. I thought I had accepted it, and I thought I was satisfied, but standing there, with Rin holding onto me with his shaking arms, I realized that I wasn’t. The thought was an awful one. It tore at me everytime it crossed my mind. I loved swimming more than anything. I desperately wanted to swim with Rin. I wanted to earn medals again, to speak in  front of flashing cameras with flowers in my hand, gasping with pride from a race. I wanted to see Rin in the lane next to me, to challenge him over an ice cream again. The longing crippled me. It took my legs away when I wanted to jog. It took my love away when I wanted to go to Rin’s meets. It took everything away from me, everything that could have ever made me feel right again. It was worse than the shoulder that took swimming from me. I was sorry, deeply sorry, that it had almost made me let Rin slip through my fingers.

“I’ll go,” I whispered. “Of course I’ll go. I’ll cheer you the whole hundred meters. I’ll be there for the warm up, and the warm down. It’ll be my meet as much as it’ll be yours.”

“You idiot,” he gasped, and we laughed.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

We stood in the entrance to the pool, before individual events. Most of the swimmers had already gone through and were stretching, but Rin lingered. The buzz of the crowd was audible even from inside the concrete tunnel, and the lights were blindingly bright outside in comparison to where we stood. He pulled on his cap and goggles.

“I’m going to go,” he said.

I held up a fist. “Good luck.”

He stared at it for a second, and bumped it, but his slight pout seemed mildly unsatisfied.

“What is it?” I asked, confused.

He grabbed my shirt collar, and for a second I thought he was going to laugh and call me an idiot again, but he pulled me in and gave me a kiss, just a peck.

“I needed a little more luck.” He winked, and snapped his goggle strap and strode out.


	9. Chapter 9

“Well, today’s been a great victory for Japan!” cried the reporter, holding the mic to Rin’s mouth. “Three Olympic gold medals in swimming! How do you feel about that, Matsuoka?”

He grinned into the camera, winking. “Great,” he said, flashing his sharp teeth.

“Anything you’d like to say, thank anyone?”

“Oh, yeah.” He glanced at me over the shoulder of the cameraman. “I’d like to thank my boyfriend, Sousuke. I’ll be honest with you, his fly is better than mine!” He held up the medal and kissed it, grabbing a flustered Nanase and pulling him into the shot to talk about the relay, laughing along with the awkward reporter. I caught his gaze and I smiled.

When the games were over, and we got back home to the apartment, he pulled the medal from his bag and put it onto my shoulders and guided me to the mirror.

“It’s for you,” he said. “You earned it.”

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I really wanted to write something where Sousuke was feeling down about swimming, because I just felt that something that he was so dedicated to wouldn't be so easy for him to give up. I felt that it would really distance him from Rin just because Rin would be able to go places without him, and so I really wanted to address that issue. Hope you liked it!


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